The unhealthy desire to please other people
Much like a drug addict is addicted to his or her drug of choice, a people pleaser is addicted to the approval of others. Psychologist Harriet Braiker calls it the “disease to please.” This is a very hard concept for the Christian because we are called to be servants. However, what I believe we need to keep in mind is that ultimately, the recipient of our service is God not man. Yes, God has called us to serve our fellow man but that service is to bring glory to God… not other people and certainly not ourselves (which is the case with a people pleaser).
People Pleasers are all trying to prove they are valuable people—trying to stop that inner voice within that says they aren’t. It is like there is a tape playing in their head that says, “People will love and accept me if I please them.” And here is the myth behind people pleasing: “You are somebody when you please others.”
A pleaser believes that if there is a failure to please it will result in rejection and that rejection will confirm their deepest fear that their life has little value. As a result, they go about trying to make everybody but themselves happy. They…
a. Avoid conflict at any cost
People-pleasers equate conflict with being displeasing. They don’t want to be the source of displeasure. So they stick their finger in the air to see which way the approval wind is blowing before they decide the path of least rejection.
b. Are extremely self-critical
It’s at a very young age most of us learned that people pat you on the back when your actions please them. Therefore, at some point during childhood, we make the decision to be as perfect as we possibly can be in order to please people; this leads to a life that is filled to the brim with activities at which we feel we are good at doing. Eventually we all essentially run out of gas. We give out and then we give up. Because it really isn’t about pleasing people anymore; it is about me trying to meet my ridiculously high standards. I can’t even please myself. I become a prisoner to the approval of others and I wind up absolutely miserable.
I don’t want to simply remind you of these destructive patterns, some of which you know all too well, I want to give you some suggestions for breaking these harmful life patterns.
TODAY’S SUGGESTION: Become a God-pleaser
Obviously, I’m not trying to be a people pleaser! No, I am trying to please God. If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant. Galatians 1:10 NLT
Remember high school? I heard something that is true about that time in our lives. Most of us spent most of our high school years trying to please people that we have not seen since high school and may never see again.
Yes it is easy to see all of this looking back, but what if we could get a hold of it now? What if we, instead of worrying so much about what others think and feel about us, concern ourselves with what God thinks of us (and we might be surprised how loving and forgiving God can be). It’s worth thinking about.
