OVERCOMING THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY: People Pleasers

The unhealthy desire to please other people

Much like a drug addict is addicted to his or her drug of choice, a people pleaser is addicted to the approval of others. Psychologist Harriet Braiker calls it the “disease to please.” This is a very hard concept for the Christian because we are called to be servants.  However, what I believe we need to keep in mind is that ultimately, the recipient of our service is God not man.  Yes, God has called us to serve our fellow man but that service is to bring glory to God… not other people and certainly not ourselves (which is the case with a people pleaser).

People Pleasers are all trying to prove they are valuable people—trying to stop that inner voice within that says they aren’t. It is like there is a tape playing in their head that says, “People will love and accept me if I please them.” And here is the myth behind people pleasing: “You are somebody when you please others.”

A pleaser believes that if there is a failure to please it will result in rejection and that rejection will confirm their deepest fear that their life has little value.  As a result, they go about trying to make everybody but themselves happy.  They…

a. Avoid conflict at any cost

People-pleasers equate conflict with being displeasing. They don’t want to be the source of displeasure. So they stick their finger in the air to see which way the approval wind is blowing before they decide the path of least rejection.

b. Are extremely self-critical

It’s at a very young age most of us learned that people pat you on the back when your actions please them.  Therefore, at some point during childhood, we make the decision to be as perfect as we possibly can be in order to please people; this leads to a life that is filled to the brim with activities at which we feel we are good at doing. Eventually we all essentially run out of gas.  We give out and then we give up.  Because it really isn’t about pleasing people anymore; it is about me trying to meet my ridiculously high standards. I can’t even please myself. I become a prisoner to the approval of others and I wind up absolutely miserable. 

I don’t want to simply remind you of these destructive patterns, some of which you know all too well, I want to give you some suggestions for breaking these harmful life patterns.

TODAY’S SUGGESTION: Become a God-pleaser

Obviously, I’m not trying to be a people pleaser! No, I am trying to please God. If I were still trying to please people, I would not be Christ’s servant. Galatians 1:10 NLT

Remember high school? I heard something that is true about that time in our lives. Most of us spent most of our high school years trying to please people that we have not seen since high school and may never see again.

Yes it is easy to see all of this looking back, but what if we could get a hold of it now? What if we, instead of worrying so much about what others think and feel about us, concern ourselves with what God thinks of us (and we might be surprised how loving and forgiving God can be).  It’s worth thinking about.

OVERCOMING A DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY: Mistrust

“Jerry Fletcher is a man who sees conspiracies everywhere. But if you keep doing that long enough, sooner or later you’re going to get one right…”  That was the teaser line used for the 1997 movie, Conspiracy Theory, starring Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts. I would offer to the end of that teaser: “…however, sometimes you don’t get it right because you are not filtering life through a proper lens.  Sometimes growing up in a dysfunctional environment, or a single traumatic event will cause an individual to respond to life from a skewed perspective.”

That’s what this series of blogs is all about.  We are looking at what some have called, “Stinkin’ Thinkin;’” Those unhealthy relationship patterns that leave us wondering, “What’s wrong with me!” I would like to pick up today with the pattern of…

2. Mistrust toward others

a. Isolate yourself

The story you tell people is that you are a loner or that you prefer to keep to yourself but the truth is that you don’t trust people. And the safest thing to do is to put up walls and stay to yourself because your mind tells you that the only person you can trust is you. I use the words stay to yourself but I could have said protect yourself because that is exactly what people do. They protect themselves by staying away from other people. Mistrust can cause people to isolate themselves from other people but it can also encourage some people to be:

b. Codependent upon someone else

There is a negative side to this one. There are people who are in abusive situations and they will defend their partner and refuse to acknowledge any of their faults even though the relationship is destructive. But that is not all there is to codependency. There are people who trust only one other person and so they pour their life into that person and receive love and acceptance primarily from that one person. The whole world ultimately revolves around this person. They make this person their life source and will do whatever it takes to stay close to them. Codependent people tend to be jealous and aggressive toward those who get in between them and their partner. Other relationships are neglected because other people cannot be trusted. People can be codependent with their spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or even just a friend. Parents can even become so focused on their children that they ignore their spouse. Do you know anyone like that? Mistrust toward others.

Please allow me to suggest as an antidote to mistrust: SEARCH FOR PEOPLE TO TRUST.

Many will say they are loyal friends, but who can really find one who is really faithful? Proverbs 20:6 NLT

It is hard to find people who are trustworthy. But start trying. Take a risk!

Some of you know that I recently moved to a new location.  I have decided that I am going to take my own advice here.  Each time I go to the store, post office, doctor’s office, or church, I tell myself that I could be crossing paths with my new best friend.  That’s what happened with Andy and Marlene. We met them at church.  I discovered that Andy makes a slap-yo-mamma good seafood gumbo! What a great couple who are so encouraging to us.  It happens over and over around the world. Disconnected people find true friendship. I encourage you to take the risk, be friendly and you will attract friends.

OVERCOMING THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY: Unforgiveness

I read this story recently:

In April of 1988 I came home to discover that my mother had left home. Most of her belongings were gone as well as the mobile concession trailer that my dad and a man named Lloyd had finished working on just that weekend. In a few hours my dad and I received a call from Lloyd’s wife. She was wondering where he was. It did not take long to figure out what had happened. In about 2 weeks we got a call from my mom. She and Lloyd were in the state of Washington. Since then I’ve only seen my mother about 5 times. Before my mother left we fought constantly and the fights were even more intense afterward. It wasn’t until 1992 that we started to get along again. We’ve had several shaky moments since then but for the most part we get along ok. The lack of closeness between me and my mother and the disintegrating relationship between my mom and dad created serious consequences for me. I’m still working on such things as what real intimacy is and how to develop it in my own marriage as well as how to communicate strong feelings without starting a fight. There is still distance between my mother and me that I’m not sure can be erased simply because she has missed such a large part of my life. I struggle with feelings of bitterness even though I’m trying to forgive her.

I see bitterness as a self-damaging result of unforgiveness.  Today I want to explore this and other relationship damaging, life blocking symptoms of a person who carries a load of unforgiveness.

a. Bitterness

Bitterness is so deceptive because it is perfectly legitimate to feel hurt and abandoned and betrayed. The problem lies in how we responsed to these emotions. It is our response to these emotions that get us into bitterness.

See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15 NIV

Bitterness takes root in our heart and continues to grow into a huge tree. In Florida, we had an over abundance of what we affectionately called “stink weed.” It would completely overtake an azalea bush we had in our front yard.  It had to be pulled out but when you pull it out is when you understand where it gets its nickname.  It would stink to high heaven!  Bitterness is much like sink weed in that it makes our personality stink to everyone who comes into contact with us. It causes us much trouble and pain within ourselves. And because we have become embittered, we defile others with our negativity. Do you know anyone like that?

Another way to know if you have a pattern of unforgiveness toward someone is that you may tend to have:

b. Shallow Relationships

This one is not only related to unforgiveness but people that have patterns of unforgiveness rarely have deep relationships because deep relationships require conflict. Did you realize that? You are not in a deep relationship with anyone with whom you have not had a major conflict. Conflict and deep relationships go hand in hand.  People who have a pattern of unforgiveness tend to avoid conflict because it plays back the tapes of the past that are so fresh because forgiveness hasn’t taken place. So let me just ask you, are you struggling with unforgiveness? Is there some bitterness in your life? Are there many people who really know who you are? Or do you tend to stay pretty shallow with people?

Is there someone you need to forgive?  I’m not going to tell you it is easy but I am going to tell you it is do-able and necessary if you want to find joy and fulfillment in life.

OVERCOMING THE DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY: Forgiveness

Jimmy had what most people would consider to be a normal childhood – at least, as “normal” was defined back in the 1960s.

His father and mother had a stable marriage. Both worked hard at full-time jobs to provide as much of the “American Dream” as possible – a nice home, two cars, a dog and summer vacations. And for the most part, Jimmy and his two younger sisters felt secure in this environment.

In elementary school Jimmy was small for his age, which meant that he was a favorite target for Joe, the neighborhood bully. Because his parents worked, most before-school mornings and after-school afternoons were spent at a neighbor’s house where an adult was at home. Unfortunately, for Jimmy, that house was Joe’s house and the adult was Joe’s grandmother.

At Joe’s house, Jimmy endured regular abuse which included insults, taunting and, on many occasions, getting beat up. To make matters worse, whenever Jimmy tried to tell his parents what was going on, Joe’s grandmother would inform them that, in reality, Jimmy was the problem and her angelic grandson had no choice but to defend himself. (By the way, Joe was about six inches taller and 30 pounds heavier than Jimmy).

But Jimmy’s parents believed her anyway. “If you would stop agitating him,” they would say, “Joe wouldn’t pick on you or beat you up.”

For almost three years this went on, until the end of Jimmy’s sixth grade year. At that point a bizarre confrontation occurred which finally convinced his parents that something was seriously wrong. Within weeks, they sold their home and moved away.

Today, as an adult, Jimmy still deals with the repercussions from that period in his life. He’s not a little kid anymore but he’s still usually the shortest person in a crowd. It may sound strange but sometimes he wonders if people take him seriously because of his height (or lack of it). Sometimes he is intimidated when engaging in a conversation with people who are bigger and taller than he is. Rationally speaking, he knows there’s no reason for it, but that’s how it is.

Most people underestimate the power that past events have on their present. Today we are talking about overcoming dysfunction in our lives. And we are going to start by looking into some patterns from the past.

For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds (patterns). We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God… 2 Corinthians 10:3-5NIV

This verse is talking about strongholds or patterns of behavior, ruts that we as human beings so easily fall into and have a tenancy to remain in.

All of us have these patterns in our lives. Many times we are not aware that we have them. In fact, most people go through life totally unaware that many of their interpersonal relationships are affected and sometimes controlled by these strongholds, or patterns. And here is the kicker: most of these patterns began in us when we were children or teenagers.

Before I continue I need to say that these patterns may be related to your family situation and they may not. But if it applies to you I ask you to consider how these patterns are affecting you or someone you love.

The first pattern from our past that has the power to affect our present is:

1. Unforgiveness toward others and yourself

This pattern is foundational for all other patterns. Unforgiveness leads to a thousand other problems.

Unforgiveness is hard to understand because sometimes we have a valid reason to be upset at our circumstances. So how do you know if you have unforgiveness toward someone or if you are just wounded from the experience? 

When you think of them do you get angry?

When thoughts come up, do you immediately relate them to the past events that caused you pain?

When you’re with them do you look for ways to get offended?

Are you waiting to find something to pick at when you are around that person?

The question is what you do to break these patterns. How can you overcome dysfunction in your own life? How can you receive power to live as a free person in the present?

1. Practice forgiveness

You must make allowances for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. Colossians 3:13NLT

The first part of that verse says to “Make allowances for each other’s faults.” That means that we accept the fact that people are not perfect and will rarely respond like we think they should and we must learn to be ok with that, and to even expect. It means that we consider the other’s person’s situation and not just the way they have offended us. Remember the story of Jimmy? Suppose you knew that “bully Joe” was with his grandmother because his mom had abandoned him and he lived with a dad who constantly bullied Joe?  Would it be easier to forgive him and even have sympathy for him?

 Notice the second part of the verse, “Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.” The reason and the power behind forgiveness is in the fact that God forgives. You forgive others because you have or could be forgiven by God. Any offense you have against someone whether it’s betrayal, neglect, meanness, or whatever the offense; you have already committed a similar offense against God. All of us have shook our fist in the face of a loving God and said, “I don’t need you! I can handle this on my own.” The ultimate act of betrayal, abuse, and neglect. And the Scripture is very clear over and over that God is able to forgive any and every sin.

So practice forgiveness. Great idea, Billy, but how? Ultimately forgiveness is a choice of your will. You may never feel like forgiving someone. But you start acting like it is so and it will eventually be so. Your emotions will change because you make a choice with your will. Temptation to have unforgiveness will still happen when the person you have forgiven does something that reminds you of the past. But make the choice to forgive again and again and again. Forgiveness is a choice and a process. The key is to make a choice to begin the process. Is it hard, yes! Is it necessary, you better believe it!! If you are having a problem with this and need help, please contact me or some friend and ask for help.

We will continue tomorrow looking at these dysfunctions and how to overcome them.

SIMPLE SUGGESTIONS FOR RELATIONAL HAPPINESS DURING THE HOLIDAYS

ALTERNATE TITLE: HOW TO SURVIVE WEIRD PEOPLE!

Let’s just be honest. We all have difficult people in our lives, don’t we?  More than likely if you don’t have one, you are one.  On top of that every family has at least one chestnut roasting on the open fire and a jack frost or two who is going to be nipping at more than everyone’s noses.  You may be able to stay clear of these people for most of the year but at the holidays you are going to be thrust into the same room with weird Uncle Joe.

Here are some simple suggestions to hopefully help you achieve a measure of relational happiness this year:

1. The first step toward relational harmony is to focus on their positive qualities.

Even though your difficult person might be totally opposite from you in terms of preferences and pattern for doing life, they bring something positive to the table. In fact, they just may have a quality or two that could be lacking in your own character.

If they’re organized and you’re laid back, you could probably learn something from them about being more disciplined. (Of course, for that to happen you’ve got to have a teachable spirit). Maybe your difficult person is very spontaneous and you’re always in a rut. That rubs you the wrong way but, truthfully, in a lot of situations, it’s better to be spontaneous than in a rut. Maybe they could help you.

The Bible teaches this principle this way:

Suppose the whole body were an eye–then how would you hear? Or if your whole body were just one big ear, how could you smell anything? But God made our bodies with many parts, and he has put each part just where he wants it. What a strange thing a body would be if it had only one part! … The eye can never say to the hand, “I don’t need you.” The head can’t say to the feet, “I don’t need you.” 1 Corinthians 12:17-21 [NLT]

In other words, in the same way that each part of the human body, on its own, is incomplete … each person on their own is incomplete.

That person who is so hard for you to relate to is making a positive contribution somewhere. That’s step one on the road to relational harmony.

2. I won’t lie to you, step two is hard: Give up the right to be right.

There is a sign outside a mental hospital in California that says, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be well?” Let me rephrased that thought a little, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

Getting along with people, especially with people who see things differently than we do, requires us to choose happiness over rightness. It requires us to give people the freedom to be wrong. The Bible puts it this way:

Welcome with open arms fellow believers who don’t see things the way you do. And don’t jump all over them every time they do or say something you don’t agree with–even when it seems that they are strong on opinions but weak in the faith department. Remember, they have their own history to deal with. Treat them gently. Romans 14:1 [Msg]

Let me ask you: in your dealings with the difficult people around you how much of the strain is caused by you having to be right? What if you decided that your goal wasn’t to convince that person, but to love that person?

So, focus on positive qualities, give up the right to be right and finally …

3. Realize that “different” people are also “dearly loved” people – by God.

He created them, just like he created you. And not only did he create them, He also loved them enough to die for their sins on the cross, just as he did for yours. Why?

… God our Savior showed us his kindness and love. He saved us, not because of the good things we did, but because of his mercy. He washed away our sins and gave us a new life through the Holy Spirit. Titus 3:4-5 [NLT]

Jesus died for difficult people and as hard as it is to swallow, we all fit in this category from time to time. He did this not because we deserved it … not because we are normal … not because of any other reason than the fact that we are dearly loved by him. And that makes us valuable.

I think it would help us a lot in our relationships with others if we could remember this, if we could remember that we’re dealing with someone for whom God put his Son’s life on the line.

So, let me ask you …

That person or persons who’ve been in your mind since you started reading this … what do you need to do about them?

Maybe you need to make a little prayer out of that verse we read earlier. “God, you give patience and encouragement. Help me and this other person to live in complete harmony with each other …” Let me assure you that is a prayer God wants to answer.

Maybe you need to sit down and make a list of positive qualities about this person and start complementing them on those things, start blessing them in those areas. That will have an amazing effect on them.

Maybe you need to say to yourself, “it’s OK if this person is wrong. I won’t die if they don’t let me be right.” You’ll sleep a lot better at night and the tension level in the relationship will immediately start to drop.

Maybe you need to get a vision of that person’s value in God’s eyes. Maybe you need to get a vision of your own value in God’s eyes.

You will get an opportunity to use this during the holidays. These suggestions, however simple, will work to help make the season bright which is my wish for you this year.

MY VETERANS DAY REMINDER

Last week I was in Dothan, Alabama with my daughter Amanda and grandson Charlie.  Amanda and her husband Brantley’s home finally sold after six months.  Amanda was there to pack and move the remainder of their furniture and belonging.  I was there to babysit my grandson Charlie (tough job but somebody has to do it!). 

On Tuesday, November 1, I went to get Thai food take out.  Thai food is interesting but that is another blog post.  On my way to the restaurant I was stopped by what turned out to be a funeral procession.  I knew immediately that it was a different sort of funeral procession because people were lined up along the roadside waving flags and holding signs.  This was the homecoming procession for fallen soldier, Lance Cpl. Jason Barfield who had died in combat on October 24, 2011. 

As I sat there (I would have gotten out and stood in honor but Charlie was in the back seat sleeping and I didn’t want to leave him alone in the car), several thoughts came to mind.

First of all I was just sad.  I was sad for the life of this twenty-two year old whose life was cut short.  I was sad for his family and friends who were experiencing a sadness that only God and those who have been there understand completely.  And while I did not know this family, I found my eyes filling with tears of sadness for their pain and loss.

Secondly, I felt thankful that God in His sovereignty had put me there at that moment to experience this event.  It is so easy in this busy world to forget that every day there are young men and women who are putting their lives in mortal danger.  It is so easy to forget the ultimate sacrifice made by these people and their families.  It is easy to forget that I we owe a great debt to the veterans of this country and the grace of God that I am able to wake up and breathe free air each morning.

Today, Veteran’s Day 2011, I ask myself, “What should I do with the sacrifice of Lance Cpl. Jason Barfield and all of those who have and are serving in active duty for our country?”  It is not enough to be stirred if we are not moved to action by the stirring.  What action steps can those of us who are not in the military take? 

Remember to pray.  Pray for our soldiers.  Pray for our veterans.  Pray for our nation and its leaders.  Our founding fathers certainly believed in prayer.  Each of us can enlist in the military by regularly assuming the battle position on our knees.

Remember to serve.  It is so easy to join the crowd of grumbler who can easily make a list of what’s wrong with our country but who never list ways to make it better.  Here’s a starting point for the making-it-better list: Serve in a ministry, Share a kind word, Give a gift, and on and on the list can go. 

My prayer is that I would be found faithful with this high-priced gift of freedom that I have received.

AN URGENT NEED

This is a rather hard post to write.  I know it is related to my pride but I hate asking for financial assistance.  However, I have learned through the years from personal experience that someone else’s need is, many times, my opportunity to receive a blessing.  In this situation, I am asking you to be a blessing as well as receive blessings.

As many of you know my health related transtion from pastor at the wonderful Wahoo Church to full-time counseling was somewhat sudden.  We are tight finacially but are making it.  However the capital I need to properly promote Ready4Life Counseling in the Hattiesburg area is just not there.  Right now we are heading into the holiday season and as odd as it may seem, there are more hurting people during this time than any other time of the year.  I believe God has called me to minister to individuals and families but I need to let them know that I am here.  I have been visiting with pastors and other church leaders and have been received with enthusiasm.

I will cut to the chase.  I am praying for $1000.oo to promote this ministry in the various media outlets.  If you can donate any amount it would be very much appreciated.  To donate “click” on the the MAKE A DONATION button below.  If you are unable to donate at this time, please pray for this effort.

It is my heart’s desire to use the gifts and training God has given me to help hurting people.  The Ready4Life Counseling motto is To Lead Others Upward To A Brighter Tomorrow!  Thanks in advance for your help in reaching this goal.

HOW TO CONVERSE WITH CONFIDENCE

When it comes to social interactions, I have what is known as a Melancholy temperament.  This means that interacting socially for me with people outside of my closest friends and family is somewhat stressful.  I did not know this about myself until recently.  However, one thing I have always known is that I have always felt awkward talking with people I don’t know very well.  I have on too many occasions walked away from social conversations saying to myself, “That was a stupid thing to say.” 

It would be very selfish of me to just not speak to people or to stay home all the time and never venture out to parties or situations where casual conversation is expected.  Beyond that, part of the mission of a Christian is to share the good news of Christ with the world.  You just can’t do that without stepping out and speaking up. 

Two thoughts have helped me with this:

1. As a Christian, I have the Spirit of God living in me and He is wisdom. Did you catch that?  He is wisdom.  Not, He has wisdom… He is wisdom!  I have wisdom in perfect form living within me.  If I am tuned in to the Spirit living in me, I never have to worry about what to say.  I never need to be intimidated by the person I am talking to because if he or she is wise, their wisdom came from the same Spirit living in me.
2. Being a good conversationalist is not primarily about saying the right thing but responding the right way to what the other person is saying.  I think Mr. Carnegie has is right in his HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE.  He says that if you want people to walk away from a conversation with you thinking, “Wow, he’s a good conversationalist,” you need to learn the art of listening.  I once read that God has given us a picture of how this is suppose to work by giving us two ears and only one mouth.  I hope to explore the fine art of listening in the days ahead. 

Let me know what you think about this or any of my other posts.  I’m listening!

ONLINE COUNSELING VS FACE TO FACE COUNSELING

Online counseling – “e-therapy” – is discussing your current life issue with a professional counselor through the Internet.  The goal is to find the perspective, knowledge, and support you need to help you grow beyond your current troubles. You can meet with a professional for personal counseling, coaching, or advice from the privacy of your own computer. Using the Internet, professional counselors are forming effective helping relationships with people like you. Your situation may require only one session to address the issue you are facing. Some concerns require an ongoing conversation. Online is primarily via live video conferencing, live typing chat, or via email.

Obviously online counseling is different than face to face counseling.  In some ways online counseling is better and there are ways that traditional face to face counseling is better.  It is my belief that people recover and find the best solution for dealing with problems because of the therapeutic relationship between client and counselor. Online counseling lacks part of the experience of the relationship (experiencing the physical presence of one another is important for growth). If you have the opportunity to see a counselor face-to-face, I suggest you consider this option.

E-therapy is a viable alternative when face-to-face counseling is not accessible. It’s effective and private when conducted by skilled, qualified, and ethical professionals. And for some people, it’s the only way they can get help from a professional counselor.

I’m Interested! What Next?
Here are links to help you find out more information about Ready4Life Counseling Service:

Use this link to fill out our initial contact form.
Yes, I am ready to sign up for Professional Christian Counseling Live!

Use this link to go over options and fees.
Yes, I want to learn more about the financial investment!  

Use this link to learn more about your counselor
Yes, I want to learn more about Dr. Billy Ready!

VIDEO CHAT COUNSELING

Many times since I began counseling I have been speaking with a friend who says “I wish you lived closer.  I (or someone I know) need(s) someone to talk with about a problem.”  Well technology such as Telephone, Skype, I-Chat or other VOIP sessions are now available for those who live one block away or 10,000 miles away. These sessions are typically as effective as office sessions and, for many, they are the most effective, logical, convenient and practical choice.  Video counseling is online counseling where client and counselor use a webcam to communicate. This counseling type comes closest to a face to face counseling experience. Video counseling is the most state of the art online counseling medium available and means you can see and hear your counselor from the privacy and convenience of your own home or office.

Programs such as Skype, Gmail Video Chat, and Yahoo Messenger allow real-time communication with live video. All of these programs are free and available on the web. All you need is an internet connection (preferably broadband or high speed) and a computer with a built-in camera or a web cam. In addition, Skype is now available for use on iphones. If you have never used these free and readily available technologies before, I would be happy to coach you. Video-conferencing also has the advantage of allowing you to hear and see me without using up cell phone minutes or accruing long-distance charges.

To schedule video chat counseling click here. For more information about how to set up this type of counseling email me at dr.billyr@gmail.com and I will guide you step by step in setting up your system.